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Bang Bang, he shot me down... - Меня зовут Тролль, Диматролль
October 30th, 2003
02:45 pm

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Bang Bang, he shot me down...
Such is the downside of my lifestyle. I often tell people that absolutly everything is possible, only that there is a price for a everything. If you want something, you should learn what the price for it is, think whether you want to pay it and strike the deal if you agree to the terms. That is the way that I live my life. Only I know that it is hard for me, and even harder for those who try to adopt this style, to actually pay the price. The times to pay come occasionally, and my price is a short period of incredible depression. Only that I pay the price to not ever have depressions, which makes it contradictory. This makes the depressions come in my sleep, becoming nightmares. Or even worse - hallucinatory insomnia. Such as what I was put through this morning.
At ten in the morning I went to sleep in a completely empty house. Soon enough, I heard someone come in to the room and sit down on the side of the bed. I heard her voice, I felt the bed move under the weight, I knew that she wasn't there, I turned around just to check, and sure enough, the house was as empty as before. I turned back towards the wall only to hear more people come in in a few minutes. I was lying, facing the wall, seeing only the clock (that, obviusly, wasn't there). The clock changed to all possible shapes - normal red alarm clock, computer clock in the taskbar, big round clock, numbers written in blood, digital watch - all the standard time indicators. The time was always in between 12.30 and 1.00, never moving in front of my eyes. On the sound side, I heard a thwomping sound in my brain (actually still here slightly), voices of many people in the room, footsteps, door opening/closing, cars passing by. Some were real, others were even more real. I felt the floor shake as people walked, as doors banged. Some people touched me and I felt that too. I didn't turn around because I didn't want them to go away. So I was there - two hours of non-stop REM. These come so often, I should be used to them now. That is the price I pay for undersleeping.
Not for not-being depressed. I achieve lack of depression by not ever thinking about my life, my style, my decisions. I go with the flow, no regret, no remorse. Never looking back, never crying over what is gone. It gets hard when such a life leads me far away from my preset agenda. That is the price I pay - I either have to readjust my agenda, or forcefully intervein in the flow and re-aim my life. Neither is a pleasant process. In the end, while most people have smooth curves in their lives, I prefer straight lines and acute angles. Straight lines were the desirable product, acute angles were the required price. Such is life. I feel like shit because I am nearing an acute angle and I know that thing will change soon. I don't call my friends because it is my fight. It is what I have to do to be what I am. The Rohirrim didn't call any Elves to Helm's Deep because it was their fight. Elves didn't come and the battle was won. In some other silly versions Elves came and mostly died, so why did even bother coming? Same here, I will get out myself. Did before, will again. I will only involve those whom the change will directly affect. For the others, thanks for being here, you are all my first line back up.
Emma's army is striking soon. My part seems to be going with the schedule - Monday is the day. A post about that is coming soon.

Current Mood: thwomping
Current Music: ru *thwomp* ssi *thwomp* anro *thwomp* ck.com *thwomp*

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From:emidala
Date:October 30th, 2003 03:55 pm (UTC)
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I am going home right now and will call you immediately the minute I go out the door. Don't do anything. Stay awake. Have coffee. Have chai. I'll run home this very second.
From:emidala
Date:October 30th, 2003 03:56 pm (UTC)
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or, more likely, the minute I've come in through the door.
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From:deema
Date:October 30th, 2003 04:06 pm (UTC)
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No, no!
I will be out of reception until 9 pm or so. I am stable, I really am. Please don't worry so much. Or are you calling about the last line of my post? In that case I won't tell you anything - you just have to wait. :)
From:emidala
Date:October 30th, 2003 05:21 pm (UTC)
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fy dig dma, jag sprang så fort att min sallad blev alldeles skrynklig!
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From:azazello
Date:October 30th, 2003 05:36 pm (UTC)
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numbers written in blood, digital watch - all the standard time indicators.

Макс Пэйна наигрался. =)
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From:deema
Date:October 30th, 2003 06:24 pm (UTC)
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Хм... А ведь верно! Я сейчас играю в режиме Dead Man Walking. Вот это весело. Как англичане против африканцев. :)
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From:dizzyditz
Date:October 30th, 2003 06:28 pm (UTC)
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Keep fighting Deema.
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From:dark_magician96
Date:October 30th, 2003 10:22 pm (UTC)
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Know how you feel, but just keep trying and you'll overcome whatever it is that got you down. Things somehow turn out alright in the end.
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From:deema
Date:October 30th, 2003 10:27 pm (UTC)
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Of course they will. They don't really have a choice, do they? :)
Thanks
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From:taurendur
Date:October 31st, 2003 12:04 am (UTC)
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We're here if you need backup. Don't be afraid to call for reinforcements.
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From:deema
Date:November 1st, 2003 07:38 pm (UTC)
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Roger!
From:sylphigirl
Date:November 1st, 2003 05:58 am (UTC)
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deema, darling, you make me feel normal. so i hope you're telling the truth about the hallucinations. since coming to berkeley a year ago i have developed a tendency to hallucinate people when i'm on the verge of sleep. i hold my hand to my face believing it is the phone and talk to people on it. they answer, we have whole conversations. people come into my room...the oddest one was when i started talking to a hallucination of my friend hoang about how i was so glad he was there because i'd been hallucinating him and it was starting to freak me out. then i touched him and he turned into a pile of clothes.

i like you a lot and want to talk to you, but unfortunately my schedule and idiocy means that i fail on a regular basis to call people, especially those in california. hopefully my idiocy will stop quite soon and i will speak to you.

i hope that you can handle your straight lines and acute angles. do not isolate yourself for the sake of isolation though, check yourself and make sure that it wouldn't be more productive to lean on your friends. they clearly love you in a frantic romantic fashion. enjoy that.

take care of your fine self
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From:deema
Date:November 1st, 2003 08:00 pm (UTC)
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Thank you so much for making my great day a so much better day! It always makes me happy to hear from you and even more happy when you say nice things such as above to me. I would love to talk to you, maybe soon we'll have a chance to do so. Maybe even see each other (are you coming over anytime soon?). Good luck with all you! Blame it not on idiocy for you have none, but on your busy-ness, that comes from a great virtue of self-improvement. Carry on being lovely!
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