Such is the downside of my lifestyle. I often tell people that absolutly everything is possible, only that there is a price for a everything. If you want something, you should learn what the price for it is, think whether you want to pay it and strike the deal if you agree to the terms. That is the way that I live my life. Only I know that it is hard for me, and even harder for those who try to adopt this style, to actually pay the price. The times to pay come occasionally, and my price is a short period of incredible depression. Only that I pay the price to not ever have depressions, which makes it contradictory. This makes the depressions come in my sleep, becoming nightmares. Or even worse - hallucinatory insomnia. Such as what I was put through this morning.
At ten in the morning I went to sleep in a completely empty house. Soon enough, I heard someone come in to the room and sit down on the side of the bed. I heard her voice, I felt the bed move under the weight, I knew that she wasn't there, I turned around just to check, and sure enough, the house was as empty as before. I turned back towards the wall only to hear more people come in in a few minutes. I was lying, facing the wall, seeing only the clock (that, obviusly, wasn't there). The clock changed to all possible shapes - normal red alarm clock, computer clock in the taskbar, big round clock, numbers written in blood, digital watch - all the standard time indicators. The time was always in between 12.30 and 1.00, never moving in front of my eyes. On the sound side, I heard a thwomping sound in my brain (actually still here slightly), voices of many people in the room, footsteps, door opening/closing, cars passing by. Some were real, others were even more real. I felt the floor shake as people walked, as doors banged. Some people touched me and I felt that too. I didn't turn around because I didn't want them to go away. So I was there - two hours of non-stop REM. These come so often, I should be used to them now. That is the price I pay for undersleeping.
Not for not-being depressed. I achieve lack of depression by not ever thinking about my life, my style, my decisions. I go with the flow, no regret, no remorse. Never looking back, never crying over what is gone. It gets hard when such a life leads me far away from my preset agenda. That is the price I pay - I either have to readjust my agenda, or forcefully intervein in the flow and re-aim my life. Neither is a pleasant process. In the end, while most people have smooth curves in their lives, I prefer straight lines and acute angles. Straight lines were the desirable product, acute angles were the required price. Such is life. I feel like shit because I am nearing an acute angle and I know that thing will change soon. I don't call my friends because it is my fight. It is what I have to do to be what I am. The Rohirrim didn't call any Elves to Helm's Deep because it was their fight. Elves didn't come and the battle was won. In some other silly versions Elves came and mostly died, so why did even bother coming? Same here, I will get out myself. Did before, will again. I will only involve those whom the change will directly affect. For the others, thanks for being here, you are all my first line back up.
Emma's army is striking soon. My part seems to be going with the schedule - Monday is the day. A post about that is coming soon.